Gym Cliques During the Day

I’ve noticed that certain people go to the gym at specific times of the day and I wanted to discuss that today. Here are the crowds that I’ve noticed and some comments on them:

-Morning, pre-lunch crowd – this is reserved for weaker guys and fat women who hit the gym at off hours because they want to work out but they’re not comfortable being in there with a lot of other people.

If you’re working at an office gym, this is also when hot girls go to work out. They don’t want to go at peak hours because they know all the guys are staring at their sports bras and asses. Most girls do not want to feel like a hanging chicken in Chinatown nor fend off some pathetic attempt to pick them up.

-Lunch hour – these are the super set guys. They’re sprinting from station to station trying to fit in as much exercise as they can in their thirty minute break. As a guy, let me say that this is the most uncomfortable time to be in the locker room. You’re cramming thirty naked guys into a space designed for eight people.

-After-work crowd – this is the happy hour meat market. This is a social time where 90% of the people understand that they are there to try to pick up a date. Girls are in makeup, guys are wearing their designer sportswear while doing just enough to get swoll and impress some girls. If you’re in Berkeley, this is when you’ll see Triangle Man.

The other 10% are guys who are trying to actually get in a good workout and you see the highest proportion of douchebags. You get the power-lifting guy who takes those sharp quick breaths while he’s lifting, then shadowboxes in between sets. He’s trying to lift ridiculous amounts of weight but he’s giving that “Now now, chief, I’m in the fuckin’ zone” attitude.

Let me conclude with a quick gym douchebag test. If you do any of these things, you are a douchebag:
-wear a sleeveless shirt or a beater (to show off your massive armpit hairs)
-use wrist wraps (if you’re that strong, try a private gym)
-in the office gym, wear fingerless gloves
-wear sunglasses, a headband, or an iPod while lifting weights
-shadowbox or dance between sets