Motorcycle Asshole Test

I’m going on a rant because a bunch of goddamn dicks on motorcycles just roared up the street and woke me up. What I’ve noticed lately is that motorcycle riders are assholes. They seem to have this urge to be noticed and let you know what cocks they can be. It’s really becoming an F you to society.

With that, here are the correlations I’ve noticed between motorcycles and the likelihood that the rider is a cock:

-the less safety equipment they have on, the bigger a dick they are. The guy wearing full leathers and the tortoise shell backpack so that they won’t die if they fall off the bike is the kind of guy I like seeing on the road. Dude wearing a leather vest, jean shorts, and a t-shirt has me hoping that a semi truck wipes him out.

-the louder the bike, the bigger the douchebag. Look, we all know what a motorcycle sounds like, it’s already loud. The guy who takes the baffle off his hog so that it rattles your windows or shakes the water in your glass like Jurassic Park is a jackass. This rule applies to car radios too, btw.

-the blacker the helmet, the stupider the rider. Motorcycle helmets are brightly colored so that drunken truckers don’t mistake the rider’s head for some animal and accelerate over them. These idiots on their Harleys think that flat black is a cool color and those stupid Prussian helmets look good.

-the more they drive on roads, the less they actually like motorcycles. Real motorcycle fans do what’s the most fun and the most safe – they put on all their safety gear and go carve up canyon roads. Guys who just troll around neighborhood streets are just looking for attention, which I guess is obvious from their incessant revving.

-the longer their feet stay down, the bigger the jabroni. And yes, I notice that your feet are dangling off the sides of your motorcycle all the way through the intersection, you monkey. It’s the equivalent to running “like a girl”. We all know you can’t run for shit if your arms are flailing.

-the more they wave, the better a person the rider is. I’ve grown accustomed to shifting my car a little to the left or right in a traffic jam when I see a bike trying to split the road, to give them an extra three feet of clearance. I know the rider is skilled and probably a good person if they give me a little wave, just a hand off the handlebar for a second. If you only drive cars, you should get in the habit – three feet doesn’t mean anything to you, but it makes a difference to the guy who isn’t sitting in a big metal box.

-And unfortunately: the more American the bike, the bigger an asshole the rider. In all probability, the guys riding rice rockets are probably the most likely to be good riders and good citizens on the road. The closer you get to a Harley and a typical American bike, the more of an asshole the rider becomes. When you get to the guys riding bikes where they have to reach above their heads to grab the handlebars and they removed the front brake, you’re at the rectum of human decency.

Survey question: What’s the bigger F you to society, face tattoo or super loud Harley? I’d say face tat, unless the Harley rider has a flame, either as a tattoo on their arm or as a sticker on their ride, or both.