Things I Will Never Outgrow

Here is a brief list of things that I will never be too mature to do:

- hoarding pizza

Whenever someone orders pizza, especially with friends or family, I’m always freaked out that other people will get to the pizza first and steal all of the pieces. This means that when I get to the pizza, I hang two pieces out of my mouth and put another three slices on my plate. I eat like a speed demon and keep powering through to get what I believe is my fair share.

- hating clowns

I’m not sure where this started, but for whatever reason, clowns really frighten me. If I were walking down the street and I saw a clown a few hundred yards away, I would actually turn 180 degrees and walk in the opposite direction. The same applies to porcelain dolls and portraits of Jesus. I will always try to make them face another direction and stop looking at me.

- collectibles

If some company promises that I can collect a set, believe me that I will try. Like all young men, I have faced many times the decision to euthanize my collections, and those were some of the saddest days of my life. Nowadays, I’m not quite as gung ho about “Gotta catch em all”, but I will always keep the rarest or most notable specimens out there.

- petty competition

If I go to Baskin Robbins or some other buffet where you can make your own dessert, I will attempt to make the most perfect ice cream sundae. My goal isn’t to make the best tasting dessert but one that will earn the most looks of jealousy as I look down in disdain at the crooked whipped cream swirls of other people. The same applies to small sand castles at the beach, snowmen, and taekwondo.

- boobies

Sold. I would also put the progression to sex here, from that moment of tension to the first bold kiss to making out to wandering hands to shedding clothes to oral sex to that first exciting moment of intercourse to trying new positions to considering a dirty Sanchez…..oh dear, I have gone a bridge too far.

- children’s TV shows

I love children’s television shows. I love feeling smart as I identify what’s wrong with the picture or learning cheap life lessons that have long since outlived their usefulness to my life.

- avoiding cracks on the sidewalk

When I was nine, my brother told me that stepping on a crack was bad luck and offered up the fact that he once stepped on a crack and got spanked that very night as proof. Since then, I still take small leaping steps over cracks to avoid stepping on them.

- Legos

I love building stuff and the supreme sense of accomplishment when I build something out of nothing. Even if the sets aren’t particularly interesting, I love the feeling of clicking the pieces together and seeing a design take shape.

- the roar of engines

Whether it’s cars or airplanes, I love the loud roar of an engine and the scream of a fast-moving vehicle past my eyes. There’s nothing better to help you appreciate the brilliance of engineering and the importance of precision. It is also the ultimate in man overcoming nature.